(In which Job earns a C+, at best.)

Posted by Job O Brother, March 4, 2008 11:37am | Post a Comment
Good morning!*

I slept in a little later than usual, so I don’t have as much time to toss this blog together. Hopefully my innate brilliance will bubble up; if not, I’m sure some well-intended filler and unwarranted bravado will do.

What do I do first thing in the morning, you ask?

…You didn’t ask. That’s not what you were wondering at all? Not at all.

Well… I wasn’t talking to you anyhow. (And shame on you for interrupting!) I was talking to another reader who was wondering what my morning ritual was. Honestly, not everything is about you, y’know.

Anyway, OTHER READER, thank you so much for asking.

What’s that? Oh, it’s for a report you’re doing for school? How delightful!

My morning routine is as follows:

1.) I tend to wake up first. There are exceptions to this rule. I’ve made it through entire days before finally waking up, but again, this is in the minority.

2.) I pet my cat and say mean things to him, sweetly. This is normal. I caress his little head and coo something like, “Morning, little one! I’m going to break your f***ing neck!” He looks at me and purrs. He doesn’t understand English, and is responding to the timbre of my voice. THIS IS NOT ANIMAL ABUSE. I often do the same thing with my boyfriend.

3.) I stumble out of bed, excited to discover which “mystery ache” I’ll have in my joints that morning. What a fun game it is!

4.) I boil water. Boiled water is delicious! I like to add a little tea or oatmeal to mine. Adds some flavor. Délicieux!

5.) I feed the cat. “I added some strychnine to create a sumptuous gravy!” I might say.

6.) I visit the restroom. You see, the restroom has been very ill of late, and it’s important to me that it feels loved and cared for. Unfortunately, I cannot afford (in time or money) to keep the restroom in my home, so I’ve sent it to a special place reserved for them. Sure, the restroom cried when I told it. “How could you send me to one of those places?” it wailed. I listened, sympathetic, and waited, patiently, for the chloral hydrate to kick in and make the move easier for all of us. Sure, I kept the restroom’s jewelry, but that was for safe-keeping! You know how much thievery happens in those places.

7.) I look in the mirror and scream. Don’t worry – it’s just the vision of Bloody Mary. It’ll go away in a few seconds, allowing me to check for pimples.

8.) I take my breakfast to my computers. On one monitor, I read the Guardian America. On the other, I often iChat with Jaime. She will ask me what I’m doing and I explain that I’m waking up and preparing to write a blog.

9.) I write a blog. If I’m not inspired by anything in particular, I’ll oftentimes just stretch out something very silly. Breaking it up into lists with numbers is a good way of creating mass without much effort. Another way to accomplish this is by adding lots of graphics.

Don't forget a pithy caption!

10.) I realize that my blog has nothing to do with Amoeba Music and its wares, so I reference some music or film or something. Sometimes, I’ll do that while listening to this fantastic record by Bob Lind…

11.) It’s almost time to go to Amoeba Music and peddle soundtracks! Most days, I’ll dress myself in clothes first, then step out to greet the day. You see, I brought the day here once the restroom moved out. Things have been pretty hot ‘n’ heavy ever since. Tee hee!

*Some restrictions may apply.

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Charo (1), Jeff Stryker (3), Bob Lind (1), Amoeba Music (73)