Venus Was Her Name

Posted by Eric Brightwell, November 30, 2007 05:09pm | Post a Comment
All data seems to indicate that this planet is going to be uninhabitable by 2012. Jack van Impe says it's a good thing. Jesus is going to take charge.

"Don't be scurred!"

I, for one, don't plan on hanging around. I honestly heard that the Bush administration set aside billions of dollars for some project in Antarctica. I can't remember where I heard it or any specifics but my theory is that global warming will soon cause a major disaster. Sea levels will rise, causing hordes of displaced, massive, occasionally cannibal Samoan and Maori populations to invade the continent-dwellers' homes- eating the skinny first and saving the chubby for last. The rich and powerful will retreat to the newly tropical Antarctica Maximum Security New Eden Colony like monks in the Dark Ages whilst those of us who've survived work the sand mines of the wastelands, occasionally fending off bands of marauders.

Halt! You have violated New Eden's borders.                               "Give us the sand and we may let you live!"

Too far fetched? Beyond our puny imaginations? OK, just look at Palestine and imagine apartheid on a global scale.

"Exterminate the bioforms! Exterminate the bioforms!"

If I learned anything from my Dad it's to procrastinate until there are consequences and then blame everything on Gin 'n' Juice. So, now that the Earth is getting totally jacked I've started focusing on moving to other planets or moons. My friends tell me that I won't be among the chosen on the USS Space Ark which I, of course, realize. I'll stowaway, duh!

The Space Ark- Hecho en Colombia.       Venus compared to a typically Madagascar-centric view of Earth

My first planet to research is Venus. It's our "Sister Planet." Like Lusaka Zambia is Los Angeles' sister city, this may or may not mean jack. Unlike our world, Sol IV (or "Earth" as your people call it), Venus only has two continents -- Terra Ishtar and Aphrodite Terra; two goddesses of sex which we are lead to believe are goddesses of love- a confusion responsible for global warming perhaps.

Obviously these Goddesses were intended to be more than mere sex objects- like symbols of Love

Things that are bad about Venus:
There is constant thunder and lightning but no rain. Have you ever sat on a porch at night fanning yourself, watching heat lighting in the distance and swatting mosquitoes?
There was water on Venus but the same greenhouse effect happening here made it all evaporate into space several billion years ago, leaving it the hottest planet in the solar system.
Venus rotates so slowly that a day lasts longer than a Venerean year. 1 Venerean day lasts for 243 Earth days! Question-- how long is my lunch break going to be, right Kevin?

Things that are good about Venus:
It's over 460 °C but there's no humidity. And everyone knows it's not the heat, it's the humidity. And we'll acclimate after a couple weeks to the point where anything cooler than 430 is sweater weather.

Venerean Timeline


This film is supposedly a sort of boring, talky imitation of The Day the Earth Stood Still with a little romance tossed in, so I'd probably really like it.

I haven't seen this. Actually, I haven't seen any Three Stooges. Seriously. Three Stooges to me are like Monty Python. I endured you and your friends' recreations and recountings of the hilarity for many years in grade school. Then I finally saw a Monty Python movie. I don't think I laughed once. "Whoop whoop whoop." "Run away!" "Knucklehead..." *yawn* I'm slightly more interested because it's got Joe, a post-Shemp stooge whom I'd have never heard of before writing this. Also it has a kind of scary-looking playboy playmate named Marilyn Hanold who is a Venusian.

In keeping with Earth's universal agreement that Venus is the "Babe Planet," Queen of Outer Space is released and shows a world in which our "sister" planet is ruled by a man-hating bitch scarred by some dude. Get over it, lady! Lest we accidentally take it seriously, Warner Brothers has helpfully branded it a Cult Camp Classic. Thanks for the heads up, Warner Brohams.

East Germany releases der Scheigende Sterne, which depicts a multinational voyage to a very creepy psychedelic Venus destroyed by nuclear disaster and now filled with ruins, robotic bugs and unpredictable ooze. I love DEFA science-fiction. I love Stanislaw Lem. It has lots of talking and really cool set pieces and they play chess to pass time. Not much need for conflict in an intellectually-driven utopia except for the thankfully unavoidable interpersonal relationship stuff. If you look at the two in the backseat and think they had a thing-- you're right!


In the same year the Three Stooges make Have Rocket, Will Travel. Again, a scant two years after Space Ship Sappy, the bad boys of Vaudeville are back for more hijinks of the highest variety.

Venera 1 is the first probe sent to another planet.
The same year Russia releases Planeta Bura.
Soviet Film Planeta Bura which means, "Planet of Storms," not "Planet Brr" because Venus is HOT!!

Mariner 2 becomes the first successful interplanetary probe.

Outer Limits shows the episode "Cold Hands, Warm Heart." Even in a still photo you can feel the elevated acting stylings of Bill Shatner. Like most great shows, it was cancelled during its second season. In the episode, an astronaut comes back from Venus and finds Earth's weather overly chilly upon return... because he's turning Venusian!

The Venera 3 implodes and crashes-- the first time an Earth ship has gone to the surface of another planet.

Zontar-The Thing From Venus is released.
This one was made by Larry Buchanan, a former documentarian for Oral Roberts who graduated, quite naturally, from Christian propaganda to sexploitation, raceploitation and other grindhouse stuff.

Venera 7 lands on Venus and sends back the first telemetry received from the surface of another planet.
Venera 9 sends back images of Venus confirming suspicions that the only "hotties" on the planet, are the rocks carelessly strewn about, right Kevin?

Venera 13 and 14 send back the first color photographs of Venus' surface.



This movie, The American Astronaut, is so hard to keep in stock. Amoeba has a hard enough time getting it but then it sells out immediately and never comes in used! I haven't seen it but it has something to do with a band called the Billy Nayer Show whom I've never heard. Also, a guy in it has to service the female population of Venus.

Space Odyssey: Voyage to the Planets. The BBC makes a mockumentary about a manned voyage to Venus. I watched the Venus episode. It was OK but not as good as the "Walking With" stuff.

The only photos of Venus where they didn't point the camera straight at the ground.

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