(In which Job is born again.)

Posted by Job O Brother, September 25, 2007 11:31am | Post a Comment

[Insert cuss word here.] I forgot to buy cone filters. Now, instead of waking up with a fresh cup of organic Sumatra, I’m waking up with a cold can of diet Coke. This is low. I really should just crawl back into bed and start over tomorrow. Of course, if I did that, I still wouldn’t have any cone filters.

But maybe some kind soul would read this blog and, as I hid beneath my comforter, re-enacting the third trimester of my mummy’s gestation process, they would come to my apartment and gift me some cone filters. Then I could safely slip out of the vaginal opening I’d have reconstructed using tin-foil, Ikea tumblers and cat fur, and greet the world as a newborn baby. That would be sweet. I’d wipe off the after-birth, put on a fresh pair of diapers, sip on a yummy mug of coffee and wait for my cord-stump to fall off.

"It's Rufus with an 'R' not Liza with a 'Z'...!"

I saw Rufus Wainwright at the Hollywood Bowl Sunday night. I went there with my gorgeous pal, Carrie. We walked there from my apartment, an act which our LA-native friends thought akin to The Donner Party.

“You’re walking from Sunset Boulevard to the Hollywood Bowl?!” Cameron gasped, “That’s uphill!”

“It’s not uphill,” I answered, “It’s up slant.”

As Carrie and I neared the famed half-shell, I started to worry that we were there on the wrong night, and had actually arrived for a Bear Convention. I’ve never seen so many burly men in designer jeans.

(For those of you who don’t know what a “bear” is, I’ll explain:

Bears (family Ursidae) are large mammals in the order Homocarnivora. Bears are classified as homocaniforms, or doglike homocarnivorans, with the otterpinnipeds being their closest living relatives. Although there are only eight living species of bear, they are widespread, appearing in a wide variety of habitats throughout the Northern Hemisphere and partially in the Southern Hemisphere.

Common characteristics of modern bears include a large body with stocky legs, a long snout, shaggy hair, paws with five nonretractile claws, devout love for Liza Minnelli, and a short tail. While the polar bear is mostly carnivorous and the giant panda feeds almost entirely on bamboo, the remaining six species are omnivorous, with largely varied diets including both plants and animals and cheap beer.

With the exceptions of courting individuals and twinks with their young, bears are typically solitary animals. They are sometimes diurnal, but are usually active during the night (nocturnal) or twilight (crepuscular). Bears are aided by an excellent sense of smell, and despite their heavy build and awkward gait, they can run quickly and be adept climbers and swimmers. Bears use shelters such as caves and burrows and bars in West Hollywood as their dens, which are occupied by most species during the winter for a long period of sleep similar to hibernation.

Bears have been hunted since prehistoric times for their meat and fur. To this day, they play a prominent role in the arts, mythology, and other cultural aspects of various human societies. In modern times, bears have been exploited through the encroachment of their habitats and the illegal trade of bears and bear parts, including the Asian bile bear market. The IUCN lists six bear species as vulnerable or endangered, and even "least concern" species such as the brown bear are at risk of extirpation in certain countries. The poaching and international trade of these most threatened populations is prohibited, but still ongoing, particularly by Republican conservatives.)

Now comes a confession: I’ve already written about the show itself, for The Advocate. You can read the article here. One thing The Advocate doesn’t have, however, are these rad pix of Carrie eating her dinner of Trader Joe’s low-fat spinach pizzas and Pinot Grigio…

Amoeba exclusive photos! You saw it here first!

I introduced Carrie to these pizzas and she took to them like a fish to water. They're delicious! Sadly, they are not (yet) available at Amoeba Music. As she was macking on them, a strange look came over her face. She looked down at the quarter-piece of crust still in her hand and picked at it with her finger.

"Oh..." she said, then scrapped off the remnants of a sheet of greasy wax paper, which separates each individual slice. "Wax paper. I didn't realize..."

She looked at me. There was a moment of concern.

"I've eaten almost an entire piece of wax paper," she said, then suddenly smiled.

See? You can eat these Trader Joe pizzas with the wax paper and still enjoy it. They're that good! (Although Carrie admitted they were even better after removing them.)

Also, I feel I should explain some of the comments left by well-wishers on my previous blog entry. They come from readers of a different article I wrote for The Advocate which has nothing to do with Glenn Close getting her groove on. Thanks to the wonders of link technology, however, they found themselves at the Amoeblog and the rest is history.

Now I’m going to blast some Suzi Quatro and give myself a sponge bath. Don’t look.

Relevant Tags

Birth (1), Diet Coke (1), Rufus Wainwright (5), Gays (71), Hollywood Bowl (14), Donner Party (3), Bears (1), The Advocate (9), Trader Joe's (25), Carrie Hawthorne (8), Coffee (14), Bisexual (3), Suzi Quatro (6)