(In which Job implicates himself in torture and recommends a movie.)

Posted by Job O Brother, April 29, 2007 09:11pm | Post a Comment
There’s this film that I love that no-one seems to have seen or even heard of, despite the fact that there’s some high-profile people involved with it.

But before I tell you what it is, allow me to reiterate, for those of you scoundrels that don’t read each and every blog I post, that I am still at the mercy of an ear infection and, worse than that, at the mercy of my ear infection medication.

This is important because it will help you understand why I write sentences like this one, which begin simply and clearly enough, but suddenly go off on a tangent about those drivers who begin honking at the person in front of them when they’re both waiting to make a left turn at a typical LA intersection. The person in front is waiting for oncoming traffic to clear which is the sensible thing to do seeing as how oncoming cars tend to totally ruin the bodies and vehicles that get in their way, but the person behind them has decided that the person in front hasn’t pulled out into the middle of the intersection ENOUGH, and therefore proceeds, not to toot his horn, but LAY ON IT AND KEEP PRESSING ON IT UNTIL THE PERSON IN FRONT GETS THE MESSAGE AND PULLS FIVE YARDS FORWARD, which somehow is a matter of life and death for the second driver.

I am a pedestrian. I don’t own a car. When I tell fellow Los Angelinos this, they look at me like I just said, “I’ve never actually seen a cat. I dunno, I’ve just never been anywhere where they are, I guess.”


But I keep seeing this road-rage phenomena, and it rattles me. Which is why I’ve started taking action.

Now, when I see a driver honking his horn like a crazy person, I take it upon myself to sneak in front of his car. I pop my head up enough so that he can see me, and therefore doesn’t drive forward (very important detail), but the drivers behind him can’t.

You see where this is going?

You’re probably thinking, “But Job, that doesn’t teach the impatient driver anything. In fact, it probably just makes him more irate!” To which I say, yes you’re right, but please lower your voice; I have an ear infection for Christ’s sake.

Besides, that’s only part one of my scheme.

What I’m doing while I’m crouched down in front of the impatient driver’s car is installing a tracking device underneath his grill. This allows me to locate his car at any time.

Eventually, I schedule a surprise chat with the driver. You’d be surprised how receptive people are to my speech about being a more relaxed and safe driver. I was in debate* at my high school, you know, and very good at it. The key is to reach someone outside of their vehicle, away from the stress of the roads. You must appeal to their sense of community and conscious. And you must tie them to the bedposts while their still asleep and bring a gleaming chainsaw.

These ingredients make for a delicious batch of Understanding Cookies. Yum!

That’s a metaphor. I don’t actually make cookies with chainsaws. Anymore.

I’m almost out of Vicodin. Hopefully, too, I will be out of pain. Ear aches are not rad. They are the opposite of rad. They are un-rad.
The movie I love that you should see, especially if you think I am funny, is “Little Murders”. It was Alan Arkin’s directorial debut, and written by Jules Feiffer. It is very dark, ridiculous, biting, whimsical and will keep you guessing up until the very end. It’s available on DVD and is inexpensive, because, as I said, no one knows about it.

Except me and now you, the three people who read this blog.

*I wasn’t actually enrolled in debate class, per se, I was just in constant debate. With everyone.

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