Psycho 2

Posted by Job O Brother, April 20, 2007 08:57pm | Post a Comment

               INT. JOB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               JOB, (early 30's) sits with rapt attention at his computer
               screen. He is watching "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman", a TV
               show from the 1970's that's recently been released on DVD for
               the first time.

               Behind him on the sofa is JOHN GAVIN, not wearing any
               clothes, a hibernating BLACK BEAR and a SPOOKY GHOST.

               John and the Spooky Ghost look bored.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                             (to Job)


               Spooky Ghost frowns.

               Job's attention will not deviate from the screen.

               John Gavin clears his throat.

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Uh... Job?

                             (not looking)

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         There's a ghost sitting here next
                         to me.
                         And... urr... well, I'm here and
                         you've had a major crush on me
                         since you saw me in "Psycho"...


               Job points toward kitchen.

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Um... I... don't think you heard
                         what I said.

                         Huh? Top shelf.

               John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost exchange glances.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         I'm the Ghost of a very, very
                         wicked person who constructed this
                         building on top of an Indian burial
                         ground and then died from those
                         ghosts and...

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Native American.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Native American. That's what we
                         call them. Not 'Indians'.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Indians are from India.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         Okay, well, it sounds stupid if I
                         say 'Native American burial ground'

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         Why? What's wrong with...

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         Why? Because... political
                         correctness is never spooky.

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         It could be. It depends on the tone
                         you use.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST

                         Shh! You guys I'm trying to watch

               The two take a breath and lower their voices.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         Look... first of all, it doesn't
                         matter what tone I use. No one's
                         ever gonna be intimidated if you
                         threaten them with an "ancient,
                         Indigenous People's curse." Second
                         of all, I'm a spooky ghost who
                         haunts the living until they loose
                         their minds, kill their children
                         and then throw themselves off the
                         balcony, so what makes you think I
                         care if I'm politically correct?

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         What if they're on the first floor?

                                   SPOOKY GHOST

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         The people you get to jump out
                         windows. What if they live on the
                         first floor? Do they just lose
                         their mind and then... leap and
                         skin their knees?

               Spooky Ghost stares for a moment.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                             (to Job)
                         You're a terrible host.

               No response.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST (CONT'D)

               He causes the floor to flood with blood.

               Spiders crawl out by the millions from every crevice of the

               All... milk... goes... bad!

               Finally, Job pauses the TV show.


                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         You suck.


                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         You're totally ignoring us. To
                         watch some stupid TV show.

                         Hey! "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
                         is not stupid. It is one of the
                         most unique shows ever aired. Every
                         time I watch it, I am in awe that
                         something so odd and intelligent
                         and darkly funny ever got on the
                         air. The only other show I ever
                         felt that way about was "Twin

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         It's like "Twin Peaks"?

                         No. Nothing like it. It's like a
                         cross between "Soap" and a Samuel
                         Beckett play.

                                   JOHN GAVIN
                         I can't picture that.

                         I wouldn't be able to either unless
                         I watched this show, which is what
                         you two should be doing instead of

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         It sounds lame.

                         You sound lame! This show was
                         developed by Norman Lear! The man
                         who gave us "All in the Family,"
                         "Maude," and "Good Times"...

                                   BLACK BEAR
                         I'm a hungry black bear. I can talk
                         and eat all of you.

               The Bear eats Job and John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost.

                                   SPOOKY GHOST
                         But... I'm already dead!

                                   BLACK BEAR

               The Bear un-pauses the TV show.

               He watches it, as so should you, dear reader.


Relevant Tags

John Gavin (3), Gays (71), Psycho (5), Mary Hartman Mary Hartman (1), Norman Lear (2), Maude (5), Good Times (1), All In The Family (1)