INT. JOB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JOB, (early 30's) sits with rapt attention at his computer
screen. He is watching "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman", a TV
show from the 1970's that's recently been released on DVD for
the first time.
Behind him on the sofa is JOHN GAVIN, not wearing any
clothes, a hibernating BLACK BEAR and a SPOOKY GHOST.
John and the Spooky Ghost look bored.
Spooky Ghost frowns.
Job's attention will not deviate from the screen.
John Gavin clears his throat.
There's a ghost sitting here next
And... urr... well, I'm here and
you've had a major crush on me
since you saw me in "Psycho"...
Job points toward kitchen.
Um... I... don't think you heard
what I said.
Huh? Top shelf.
John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost exchange glances.
I'm the Ghost of a very, very
wicked person who constructed this
building on top of an Indian burial
ground and then died from those
Native American. That's what we
call them. Not 'Indians'.
Indians are from India.
Okay, well, it sounds stupid if I
say 'Native American burial ground'
Why? What's wrong with...
Why? Because... political
correctness is never spooky.
It could be. It depends on the tone
Shh! You guys I'm trying to watch
The two take a breath and lower their voices.
Look... first of all, it doesn't
matter what tone I use. No one's
ever gonna be intimidated if you
threaten them with an "ancient,
Indigenous People's curse." Second
of all, I'm a spooky ghost who
haunts the living until they loose
their minds, kill their children
and then throw themselves off the
balcony, so what makes you think I
care if I'm politically correct?
What if they're on the first floor?
The people you get to jump out
windows. What if they live on the
first floor? Do they just lose
their mind and then... leap and
skin their knees?
Spooky Ghost stares for a moment.
You're a terrible host.
SPOOKY GHOST (CONT'D)
He causes the floor to flood with blood.
Spiders crawl out by the millions from every crevice of the
All... milk... goes... bad!
Finally, Job pauses the TV show.
You're totally ignoring us. To
watch some stupid TV show.
Hey! "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
is not stupid. It is one of the
most unique shows ever aired. Every
time I watch it, I am in awe that
something so odd and intelligent
and darkly funny ever got on the
air. The only other show I ever
felt that way about was "Twin
It's like "Twin Peaks"?
No. Nothing like it. It's like a
cross between "Soap" and a Samuel
I can't picture that.
I wouldn't be able to either unless
I watched this show, which is what
you two should be doing instead of
It sounds lame.
You sound lame! This show was
developed by Norman Lear! The man
who gave us "All in the Family,"
"Maude," and "Good Times"...
I'm a hungry black bear. I can talk
and eat all of you.
The Bear eats Job and John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost.
But... I'm already dead!
The Bear un-pauses the TV show.
He watches it, as so should you, dear reader.