INT. JOB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JOB, (early 30's) sits with rapt attention at his computer
screen. He is watching "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman", a TV
show from the 1970's that's recently been released on DVD for
the first time.
Behind him on the sofa is JOHN GAVIN, not wearing any
clothes, a hibernating BLACK BEAR and a SPOOKY GHOST.
John and the Spooky Ghost look bored.
SPOOKY GHOST
(to Job)
Boo!
JOB
Shh.
Spooky Ghost frowns.
Job's attention will not deviate from the screen.
John Gavin clears his throat.
JOHN GAVIN
Uh... Job?
(beat)
Job?
JOB
(not looking)
Uh-huh?
JOHN GAVIN
There's a ghost sitting here next
to me.
(beat)
And... urr... well, I'm here and
you've had a major crush on me
since you saw me in "Psycho"...
JOB
Okay.
Job points toward kitchen.
JOHN GAVIN
Um... I... don't think you heard
what I said.
JOB
Huh? Top shelf.
John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost exchange glances.
SPOOKY GHOST
I'm the Ghost of a very, very
wicked person who constructed this
building on top of an Indian burial
ground and then died from those
ghosts and...
JOHN GAVIN
Native American.
SPOOKY GHOST
Huh?
JOHN GAVIN
Native American. That's what we
call them. Not 'Indians'.
SPOOKY GHOST
Uh...
JOHN GAVIN
Indians are from India.
SPOOKY GHOST
Okay, well, it sounds stupid if I
say 'Native American burial ground'
and...
JOHN GAVIN
Why? What's wrong with...
SPOOKY GHOST
Why? Because... political
correctness is never spooky.
JOHN GAVIN
It could be. It depends on the tone
you use.
SPOOKY GHOST
Look...
JOB
Shh! You guys I'm trying to watch
this...
The two take a breath and lower their voices.
SPOOKY GHOST
Look... first of all, it doesn't
matter what tone I use. No one's
ever gonna be intimidated if you
threaten them with an "ancient,
Indigenous People's curse." Second
of all, I'm a spooky ghost who
haunts the living until they loose
their minds, kill their children
and then throw themselves off the
balcony, so what makes you think I
care if I'm politically correct?
JOHN GAVIN
What if they're on the first floor?
SPOOKY GHOST
Huh?
JOHN GAVIN
The people you get to jump out
windows. What if they live on the
first floor? Do they just lose
their mind and then... leap and
skin their knees?
Spooky Ghost stares for a moment.
SPOOKY GHOST
(to Job)
You're a terrible host.
No response.
SPOOKY GHOST (CONT'D)
Hey!!!
He causes the floor to flood with blood.
Spiders crawl out by the millions from every crevice of the
room.
All... milk... goes... bad!
Finally, Job pauses the TV show.
JOB
What?!
SPOOKY GHOST
You suck.
JOB
Why?
SPOOKY GHOST
You're totally ignoring us. To
watch some stupid TV show.
JOB
Hey! "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
is not stupid. It is one of the
most unique shows ever aired. Every
time I watch it, I am in awe that
something so odd and intelligent
and darkly funny ever got on the
air. The only other show I ever
felt that way about was "Twin
Peaks".
JOHN GAVIN
It's like "Twin Peaks"?
JOB
No. Nothing like it. It's like a
cross between "Soap" and a Samuel
Beckett play.
JOHN GAVIN
I can't picture that.
JOB
I wouldn't be able to either unless
I watched this show, which is what
you two should be doing instead of
bickering.
SPOOKY GHOST
It sounds lame.
JOB
You sound lame! This show was
developed by Norman Lear! The man
who gave us "All in the Family,"
"Maude," and "Good Times"...
BLACK BEAR
I'm a hungry black bear. I can talk
and eat all of you.
The Bear eats Job and John Gavin and the Spooky Ghost.
SPOOKY GHOST
But... I'm already dead!
BLACK BEAR
Yum.
The Bear un-pauses the TV show.
He watches it, as so should you, dear reader.
END
