Tis the season to freak out about what to get our loved ones.

It seems to get harder every year, as -- thanks to the internet -- the world becomes smaller and choice becomes more vast. How can you find that perfect gift for someone that not only has everything, but can get whatever they want online in a matter of minutes?

Here's the answer: outsmart them. Use this guide to scoop them on their own desires. They may not yet know they lust after these amazing items, but with the Amoeblog's help, you will reign victorious as this year's King / Queen of Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa / Festivus /  Winter Solstice.  

For your old school punk:
San Francisco’s seminal punk band Crime was  formed in 1976 and ripped post-hippie San Francisco a metaphorical new one when they released their first (and many say Punk’s first) single“Hot Wire My Heart / Baby You're So Repulsive.” They mixed a rebellious and sexually-charged image (they were most often seen flaunting their vampiric, just-outta-rehab good looks in tight leather, regulation police uniforms, or old-time gangster duds) with their unique blend of intellectual and furious lo-fi rock and roll. Crime found local refuge at the now legendary Mabuhay Gardens, but became nationally notorious after playing a gig at San Quentin Penitentiary in full police uniforms. (Read more about them on the Amoeblog.)

Now, after many years, you can purchase official Crime merch directly from original member Johnny Strike and his business partner Faustino Mendonça. Bootleggers be damned! Get some stunning shirts, posters, and pins from the source!


For your fan of biological horror films:
Have a family member who just can't get enough of the The Human Centipede? Sure, we all do! Then check out this Human Centipede-inspired scarf! Keeps you warm in the winter AND lets the world know how you feel about this tour de barf!  Crochet work and design by knottyfingers, designer of the infamous crochet Human Centipede doll! I also like the Reanimator doll.


For your Gamer friend:
Feeling like a gelatinous cube because you can't think of what to get your dear D&D-obsessed pal? Well, ramp up your Charisma and Wisdom because you are about to become the Dungeon Master of their soul when you whip out this polyhedral treat: it's the 20-Sided Sucker from Archie McPhee! Even more reason not to leave the gaming table for days on end.

Archie McPhee has several good items to chose from this year, including this nifty horse head mask, perfect for fans of The Godfather! 


For your phone-obsessed partner:
Have you forgotten what the face of your loved one looks like due to the Android-powered obstruction in the way? I can't think of a more subtle hint then to gift one of these babies: it's an Android green robot mascot costume from Hello Cosplay! They can become what they love in this head-to-toe embodiment of technology and branding. Plus, they'll have something to wear to that Furry convention coming to your town soon.

 
For your meat-lover:
"You've always been a lover of bacon. Now you can be a bacon lover, with Baconlube, the world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil." Thanks J&D. What else can be said?

Oh, they also carry a wide assortment of other bacon-related goods such as the "8 Days of Kosher Bacon Package," which is actually  vegetarian and kosher. Once again, thanks J&D!


For your friends in interfaith marriages:
What shopping list would be complete without something from Sky Mall?! I spotted this Hanukkah Tree Topper on a recent flight to Los Angeles and was touched by the catalog copy: "A must-have for interfaith marriages!" Well, this will put an end to all those religious and cultural clashes!

Might I suggest a pairing of this Hanukkah Tree Topper, some gelt and rosary beads, and a few of the following interfaith-relationship movies: The Heartbreak Kid, Meet the Fockers, The Way We Were (Barbra's album!),  Aimée & Jaguar, and Annie Hall.



For your friends who want to look like famous people:
You too can be a Beatle with a wide selection of authentic Italian leather Beatle boots from Beatwear! Cavern boot? Lennon boot? Winkle Picker?! You name it and they have it. Let your loved ones walk like legends. Beatwear can also provide a pair of drainpipe trousers and a frock coat. While you're at it, throw in the latest release causing Beatlemania: The Beatles With Tony Sheridan: First Recordings! 

Or maybe the Ramones is more to your friend's liking? Get a replica of a Mosrite style MARK II guitar played by everyone's favorite right-wing Ramone, Johnny! Eastwood Guitars salutes your need for replicas, America. As Johnny once said,  "God bless President Bush!"

Or perhaps your partner has a need for speed? The racing supply site CDOC offers a "Steve McQueen jacket" like the one he wore in the movie Le Mans! Zoooom!

 

For your friends in a galaxy far, far away...:
Sometimes it's just so cold that one doesn't have much of a choice. At times like that, I like to slip into something a little more Tauntaun...like this amazing Tauntaun Sleeping Bag from the geniuses at ThinkGeek! With a lightsaber zipper pull, faux Tauntaun fur, and a cushy pillow head, your pal can pretend that s/he is Luke Skywalker in the stinky belly of a dead Tauntaun! Cozy! If you are looking more for something to tie to room together, I recommend the Wampa Rug. With so many choices, Star Wars fans never need to go to Ikea again!

Or maybe your friend is more into fashion and the Imperial Army? In that case, might I suggest Stylin Online's Stormtrooper Hoodie! With the hood's mesh eyeholes, it provides optimum anonymity when stormin' around town.

 

For your cute friends:
Sometimes a hot dog looks too plain...like it needs to be customized or something. Thank god for th