(Wherein I play with myself.)

Posted by Job O Brother, April 25, 2011 01:30pm | Post a Comment

I’m a bachelor this week – so to speak. Emotionally I am in love and committed to the boyfriend, but as he is in the Great Country of Texas for the next week, I am functioning as single. As much as I miss him, I do get to indulge in certain activities I would otherwise not.

For starters, I can safely wear wife-beaters without incurring any catty remarks about my “smacking my girlfriend around” or needing to go out and “fix my bike”. I like to pair my wife-beaters with basketball shorts and hair un-brushed to the point where I look like a White Panther. A half-empty bottle of Bud Light would really complete the look, but I’m no fashion sheep.

On the runways of Paris this summer.

Speaking of alcohol, when alone I get to drink wine my most favorite way: straight from the bottle. It looks awful. It looks trashy, debaucherous, and to outside eyes would seem like a red flag signaling the starting race towards alcoholism – but I don’t drink any more from a bottle than I would a glass, plus this way I get so much more oxygen with each sip, thus facilitating a burst of flavor and heightening all the complexities and subtle nuances a bottle of Charles Shaw has to offer. Also, it’s one less glass to wash, which means it’s greener. Drinking wine straight from the bottle helps trees and future generations of children!

Saving the planet, one case of Merlot at a time:
Because I care.

As the cook, I like to pamper my beloved with meals that satisfy his health requirements – vegetarian, low dairy content, organic, no hidden safety pins – while still appealing to his inner Texan, which wants nothing more than a casserole who’s make-up is 25% canned cream of onion. It’s not easy and I don’t always succeed (there’s a reason why you’ve never heard of barbequed water chestnuts) but I try. Well, not when alone! Left to my own devices I eat single ingredient specials – favorites include pint of yogurt or half-pint of hummus or lots of Fuji apples. Add the bottle of wine to that menu and - I’m suddenly realizing my idea of comfort food is that of an Arabian shepherd. Huh.

Most nights the boyfriend and I debate what to watch, eventually reaching a compromise (roughly one of my artsy, old films for every eight of his modern movies, with occasional adjustments for inflation). We have a handful of shows we enjoy equally - Madmen, RuPaul's Drag Race, The Real Housewives of Sierra Leone - but these are in the minority. The boyfriend would much rather watch this…

…While I spend half an hour with this…

Having the place to myself means I can luxuriously flip between all these gems…

The boyfriend works from home – constantly on the phone – so during the days I keep the music contained to the study, where my desk is set up. Without him, you can be sure I keep music blasting from the living room, and can shuffle between genres without being accused of being intentionally antagonistic…

Yes, it’s a pretty sweet life, being left alone.

I’m glad it’s gonna be over soon.

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