(Wherein Mardi Gras is given an in-depth assessment.)

Posted by Job O Brother, March 7, 2011 05:01pm | Post a Comment
How it appeared before they annexed Poland.

I’ll give you two guesses as to who was at Disneyland yesterday.

Your first guess was Charles the Bald, Holy Roman Emperor and King of West Francia which makes you sound well-educated – even astute – but because he’s been dead since 877 AD, over one thousand years before the opening of Disneyland, it was ultimately a stupid, stupid guess – even more so when you learn that Charles II thought Donald Duck was “so retarded.”

Your second guess is that I was at Disneyland with my boyfriend, two of my sisters, and some of their children. Now that’s using your noggin’! (Nice, noggin’, BTW.)

It wasn’t long ago that I was at Disneyland with rock superstar Micayla Grace (currently playing with Rachel Fannan) for her first time. I told you about that, right? No? Well, it was super. Micayla and I got high on rainbow-swirled lollipops (if you cut them into a powder and snort it you’ll hallucinate so hard that the blood gushing from your nose looks like juicy, red licorice whips [but will taste awful]) and had our picture taken with Goofy (or someone we thought was Goofy but turned out to be a soft-spoken teenage boy with neuropathic heredofamilial amyloidosis and very grumpy parents) before being given a tour of the infamous Disney "jail" after a botched assassination attempt on the animatronic Abraham Lincoln during the Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln show on Main Street, USA.

With my family, the Park was more low-key, warm-hearted and… less criminally. We were celebrating my sister Jenny’s birthday; true to her giving nature, her birthday present was to treat all of us to some fun.

Sister Jenny impacted my taste in music and movies as a child – something I’ve addressed before – and often it was not traumatic. Here are some artists she turned me on to:



Being that this week is Mardi Gras, Disneyland’s New Orleans Square was buzzing with activity. This was due to a swarm of killer bees descending on the Park guests and employees, biting and stinging them mercilessly; screaming children with broken welts on their eyes and fingers were separated from ravished and wounded parents who crumbled in pain, in some cases coma or even death – a distraction which made it the perfect time to go on Pirates of the Caribbean – there was hardly any wait! :)

It's like a shot from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

By the time we got off the Pirates ride, Disney efficiency had already wiped clean any trace of large-scale human tragedy, and we got to enjoy* a Mardi Gras parade, Disney-style: the cast of The Princess & the Frog were joined by Mickey and Minnie Mouse, decked out in purple, green and gold and crowned King and Queen of Mardi Gras.

(Learn from my mistake: Don't assume it's okay to flash your breasts at Mardi Gras in Disneyland.)

My favorite part of the whole day wasn’t discovering a Mexican restaurant in Frontierland where I could eat relatively simple food that wasn’t crazy expensive (“Welcome to Disneyland Pizza Parlour! That slice of vegetarian pizza will be $86. Would you care to add a cookie for an extra $45?”) and it wasn’t that my sweet, patient boyfriend sat with me through two turns on The Haunted Mansion, it wasn’t seeing Pierce Brosnan hanging outside the men’s restroom (presumably for a friend or family member to finish using it), it wasn’t that I got to hang out with Jenny and Jacquie, my wonderful sisters – it was getting to spend quality time with two of my nephews, Oberon and Orion. Disneyland means so much more when enjoyed with people who are operating at your same maturity level.

Sadly, we gave up staying at Disneyland for Lent, so it’s back to our normal routines. Only now I’m left with a crazy craving for fresh honey…

*By “enjoy” I mean curled our lips condescendingly and quickly headed in the opposite direction while silently judging the event’s creators and feeling sorry for the Park’s employees who had to participate in it.

Relevant Tags

The Sandpipers (2), Funk (26), Disco (43), Seawind (1), Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln (1), Abraham Lincoln (2), Neuropathic Heredofamilial Amyloidosis (1), Disney (36), Disneyland (16), Micayla Grace (1), Rachel Fannan (1), Stevie Wonder (16), Mardi Gras (24), Pirates Of The Caribbean (2), Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (2), Real Housewives (3)