Either Dead or Married: All my celebrity boyfriends are pretty much taken....

Posted by Kells, July 1, 2009 02:09pm | Post a Comment
Johnny depp male perfection vanity fair 2009
Anyone who's seen the recent Vanity Fair featuring a cover and interview/photo spread with Johnny Depp knows that his "celebrity boyfriend" cherishability index has increased exponentially with age. He is, however, a hopelessly taken family man, what with his kids, his mother-of-my-kids girlfriend, French chanteuse Vanessa Paradis, and his very own private Caribbean island escape. But the facts have never swayed my esteem for the Depp as a go-to example of male perfection. Indeed, given the average age in my stable of celebrity boyfriends, Johnny Depp has yet to fully bloom. 

I remember my first celebrity boyfriend fondly. His name was Lance. He wore a blue turtleneck and brown suede jacket when he wasn't in uniform "defending the universe" by piloting the Red Lion as second in command of the team-comprised mega-robot Voltron. The commanding officer, Keith, a very anime-handsome, if not overly serious young lad who displayed attractively obvious affection for Princess Aurora, always tempted my gaze, but then Lance's witty remarks and penchant for daring maneuvers always won me back. I never cared that Lance was a mere sketch brought to cartoon life. Besides, the very peak of hotness at that time belonged tmorten harket of a-ha in the take on me video rotoscope celebrity boyfriend o another animated hot guy, as A-Ha's hit music video for their single "Take On Me" dominated the rotation on MTV and VH1. I mean, who can deny the freaky-deaky rotoscope, "don't get too close to my fantasy" appeal of Norwegian lead singer Morten Harket, on or off paper? 

My teenage celeBFs pretty much followed whatever I was into at the time, from "Hollywood" rockstars like Poison drummer Rikki Rockett (and Stephen "Patch" Nichols of Days Of Our Lives fame, by visual proxy) to sundry punk-rock deadbeats like Lee Ving and interstellar heart breakers like Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise-D, as played by the now, forever and always celebrity boyfriend-of-mine Patrick Stewart on the hit sci-fi TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation. In fact, my attachment to Patrick Stewart has strengthened over the years to such a heightened tension that makes part of me believe that he sings songs like this one just for me:

My attachment to Patrick Stewart sparked a realization in me that I am attracted to bald men, and not just any bald man, mind you --- sorry, Telly. No, the kind of guy I fancy has to be a guy who could flaunt a full coiffure, but gives a dashingly handsome face without it. He must also have a way of moving that melts knee-joints and a voice that induces mild hallucinations of love. Naturally, after many seasons spent fawning over Patrick, my attentions were exceedingly diverted by the work of the late, great Yul Brynner.
yul brynner as ramses in the ten commandments
Oh, Yul --- what a man! An all singing, dancing, acting Russian-Swiss-Mongolian mix of sex, pecs and flawless silhouettes. He was an avid photographer (his work is quite good), a noted chain-smoker (remember that ACS public service announcement he made in the eighties?) and he even penned a few books (The Yul Brynner Cookbook: Food Fit for the King and You is a favorite title). Though now gone from this world, the man has won my heart many times over. Sure, not all of his films are great, but the eye-candy factor alone makes many a stinker worth the time and, as Pavement frontman Stephen Malkmus knows, some of Yul's films have only gotten better with time (as suggested by the song "Jo Jo's Jacket" on Malkmus' self-titled debut solo album). Yes, the robotic gunslinger Yul plays in Westworld (1973, Michael Crichton) blends just the right amount of old Hollywood glamour, spaghetti western machismo and 70's era, Sci-Fi mumbo-jumbo to make it one for the ages. Watch it as a trilogy, book-ended with Logan's Run (1976) and Soylent Green (1973) to complete the recipe. 

This look back at my celebrity boyfriends through the ages was sparked by the recent news that one of the last single men in my mental male-harem, a self-proclaimed bachelor playboy, has finally, somewhat secretly, married. Hitoshi big man japan hitoshi matsumoto in dainipponjin japaese comedyMatsumoto, a Japanese comedian commonly known by his cutesy nickname, "Mattchan," and his celebrity status as exactly one half of Japan's most famous and wildly successful manzai comic duo, is only just gaining notice here in the States, thanks to the domestic release of his film Dainipponjin, or Big Man Japan, which he wrote, directed and stars in. The film has been widely marketed as a sort of This Is Spinal Tap meets Godzilla-caliber monster movie and I agree with this neatly wrapped description. Matsumoto plays a super hero charged with keeping Japan safe from all manner of ridiculous, XL-sized (and sometimes X rated) creatures in the mockumentary-style film that paints a pathetic picture of one messed-up, misunderstood loser of a dude. It's funny, it's weird and well worth watching if not for the gut-busting turn of events in the end. The CG will surely be dismissed as "slapdash" by nerdy perfectionists, but I believe the shoddy look is all part of the charm that makes this movie laugh-at-able. Besides, like I said, like, two sentences ago, stay with it to the end --- nothing can prepare you for what's in store. It's not often that I get the feeling that I've been "pantsed" by a movie; viewing Big Man Japan in its entirety is a major pants-ing in the making, make no mistake about it. And as for Mattchan's sudden marriage, well, another one bites the dust. I'm not obsessed, I just love his guts (and his baldy looks).

Relevant Tags

Big Man Japan (1), Johnny Depp (9), Patrick Stewart (2), A-ha (2), Rikki Rockett (1), Yul Brynner (1), Hitoshi Matsumoto (1), Westworld (2), Celebrity Boyfriends (1)