This Hollywood Life -- poisson d'avril

Posted by Eric Brightwell, April 1, 2008 01:29pm | Post a Comment

Lone 5 Star Review On Amazon Turns Out To Be Work of Crew Member

WESTWOOD - Derek Lajeunesse is suspected of giving a five star review to The Grim Reaper; a direct-to-video film he worked on the set of earlier this year. Amazon officials became suspicious of the five star review when they clicked on his username, "D-Licious55" and discovered only one other review -- a five star review for last year's direct-to-video horror film, The Yeti Horror which imdb lists Lajeunesse as having worked on as well. In both reviews, Lajeunesse posted the same text, verbatim, in the form of a narrative which is now believed to be fictional. "I walked into a small theater on a whim not expecting much. Boy was I surprised! While it doesn't have the big budget of Hollywood horror films, this little indie flick has a lot more heart... and enough gore to keep any horror fan happy. Awesome!"

The scam was uncovered by Justin Quinn, alias "TheRealTylerDurden," who watched a rented copy of The Grim Reaper based on Lajeunesse's glowing testimony. Quinn's review took a decidedly contrary view, "I don't know if the last reviewer is retarded or what. This movie sucked. It was boring and the acting and effects were awful. I'm only giving this one star because Amazon doesn't allow you to give zero!"

Control Release Date Pushed Back To 2011

NEW YORK - Tamara Jackson, speaking on behalf of her employers, The Weinstein Company, has confirmed her company's decision to not release Anton Corbijn's critically-acclaimed film for another three years. Jackson explained, "In keeping with Weinstein's cautious approach to DVD releases, we have thought long and hard and decided to wait until the smoke clears from the recent HD DVD vs. Blu-Ray format war. While Blu-Ray has proven winner in this battle, who's to say that some new, undreamed of format, like an optolithic data rod, isn't going to render Blu-Ray as obsolete as VideoDiscs?"

(thanks to Tiffany Huang)

Walt Disney Brought Out Of the Disney Vault

BURBANK - In what is surely one of the worst-kept industry secrets, cinematic pioneer Walt Disney has been in cryogenic stasis since his death in 1966. With technology having reached a stage rendering the previously fantastical possible, Disney is being thawed to provide commentary on the upcoming release of the long unavailable Song Of The South. CEO Roger Iger, between bites of his Monte Christo, explained, "We've struggled for a while over how to release the Song of the South, which is widely criticized for its racist depictions of African-Americans. Our view is that it is no more offensive than the facist The Lion King, the child-rape fantasy Pocahontas or the sambo-derived Mickey Mouse. But the public has chosen to focus on the Song of the South with its thinly-veiled tales of slaves outwitting their masters, adapted from slave narratives. So we thought Walt, with his mid-century attitudes, involvement in the film and unassailable reputation, would be the perfect defense against those who would see the long overdue release of this cultural and artistic landmark as merely profit-driven.

(thanks to Jackie Greed)

Stuntman Dies After Someone Downloads a Movie

SINGAPORE -  Tragically proving the reality of the widely-held superstition that a stuntman dies whenever a bootleg is watched, professional driver Gil Jefferson died Monday on the set of the upcoming film Fast & the Furious 4: 2 Fast 2 Go 4 More. Jefferson, reportedly, was preparing to film a scene which required him to drive a souped-up Civic into a fruit cart, which was to send him spiraling through the air, crashing through an unfortunately-placed pane of glass and ultimately landing upside-down in the harbor. Instead, Jefferson choked to death on a piece of durian, unaccustomed to the fruit, which is known to have an acquired taste. Jefferson was pronounced dead eight minutes later after attempts to resuscitate him failed. At the exact moment, local fisherman Lee Han-Wi finished watching a bootleg Kevin Spacey's 2001 star vehicle K-Pax.

Nature Conservancy Honors Hollywood For Recycling Efforts

ARLINGTON - Hollywood has been singled out by the Virginia-based environmental organization for its unflagging commitment to recycling, and it's not the kind of recycling you might think. It's not, in other words, for recycling ideas year-after-year with its endless remakes, sequels and adaptations from comics, TV and video games. That is to say, it's not for movies like Step Up 2, American Pie-Beta House, High School Musical 2, Superman Returns, Resident Evil 3-Apocalypse, Santa Clause 3, Van Wilder 2-The Rise of Taj, Bachelor Party 2-The Last Temptation, Harry Potter 5, Die Hard 4, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Carribean 3, Cutting Edge 3-Chasing the Dream, the Bourne Ultimatum or any other sequel. It's also not for the endless streams of remakes like RV which was a re-make of Are We There Yet? which was a remake of Johnson Family Vacation which  was a re-make of European Vacation which was a sequel to Vacation which was a re-make of the silent short, The Rake's Holiday Misadventures in the Middle West. Nor is it for I Am Legend, a re-make of Omega Man, which was a re-make of Last Man On Earth. It is also not, for example, for secret sequels like The Lake House, which was a both a secret sequel to Speed and a re-make of the Korean Il Mar. Nor is it for You've Got Mail, which was a secret sequel to Sleepless In Seattle which was itself a secret sequel to Joe Vs. The Volcano. No, in an ironic twist worthy of a Hollywood re-make of a Japanese horror film, it is for widespread promotion by industry employers among their employees to recycle waste materials.

Eric Brightwell is an adventurer, essayist, rambler, explorer, cartographer, and guerrilla gardener who is always seeking paid writing, speaking, traveling, and art opportunities. He is not interested in generating advertorials, cranking out clickbait, or laboring away in a listicle mill “for exposure.”
Brightwell has written for Angels Walk LAAmoeblogBoom: A Journal of CaliforniadiaCRITICSHidden Los Angeles, and KCET Departures. His art has been featured by the American Institute of Architects, the Architecture & Design Museum, the Craft ContemporaryForm Follows FunctionLos Angeles County Store, the book SidewalkingSkid Row Housing Trust, and 1650 Gallery. Brightwell has been featured as subject in The Los Angeles TimesHuffington PostLos Angeles MagazineLAistCurbedLAEastsider LABoing BoingLos Angeles, I’m Yours, and on Notebook on Cities and Culture. He has been a guest speaker on KCRWWhich Way, LA?, at Emerson College, and the University of Southern California.
Brightwell is currently writing a book about Los Angeles and you can follow him on AmebaDuolingoFacebookGoodreadsInstagramMubiand Twitter.

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