Like any cinematic guilty pleasure worth weathering, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is more than just an overblown, summer  swashbuckler expressed by as yet untapped, stay-puft and plunging poet-shirted, scally-wag stereotypes. Nay, this flick be an opportune seaworthy vessel for a cine-booze cruise. Having veraciously enjoyed the film myself, I offer here some possible guidelines for dissolving that fourth wall of Disney imagineering with the real spirit of the eighteenth century --- RUM! --- an endeavor that'll surely have you listing near to scuppers or otherwise passed out in the bilge by journey's end: be ye warned!

First off, the obvious: 1 drink whenever anyone drinks, cheers matey. This is a pirate movie after all, savvy? (Make that a sip for every "savvy" uttered as well.)

1 drink for every instance of weird religious undertones. Hear me now believe me later, there is enough missionary madness and religious righteousness invoked here to warrant suspicions as to the possible narrative of Rummy 5.

1 drink when Richard Griffiths flashes his nasty, royal grill!

1 drink for every "Aye!" Geoffrey Rush's pirate turned privateer, Captain Hector Barbossa, delivers.

Anyone who's seen the recent Vanity Fair featuring a cover and interview/photo spread with Johnny Depp knows that his "celebrity boyfriend" cherishability index has increased exponentially with age. He is, however, a hopelessly taken family man, what with his kids, his mother-of-my-kids girlfriend, French chanteuse Vanessa Paradis, and his very own private Caribbean island escape. But the facts have never swayed my esteem for the Depp as a go-to example of male perfection. Indeed, given the average age in my stable of celebrity boyfriends, Johnny Depp has yet to fully bloom. 

I remember my first celebrity boyfriend fondly. His name was Lance. He wore a blue turtleneck and brown suede jacket when he wasn't in uniform "defending the universe" by piloting the Red Lion as second in command of the team-comprised mega-robot Voltron. The commanding officer, Keith, a very anime-handsome, if not overly serious young lad who displayed attractively obvious affection for Princess Aurora, always tempted my gaze, but then Lance's witty remarks and penchant for daring maneuvers always won me back. I never cared that Lance was a mere sketch brought to cartoon life. Besides, the very peak of hotness at that time belonged to another animated hot guy, as A-Ha's hit music video for their single "Take On Me" dominated the rotation on MTV and VH1. I mean, who can deny the freaky-deaky rotoscope, "don't get too close to my fantasy" appeal of Norwegian lead singer Morten Harket, on or off paper? 

Sssh. Listen. Can you hear it? Can you hear the sound of dozens of keyboards in Hollywood excitedly typing at 90 words a minute to rush off story-board ready drafts of the movie version of yesterday's rescue of ship captain hero Richard Phillips? If ever there was a real news story ready for movie adaption, this is the one: the dramatic seafaring tale of evil pirates overcome by the ever-skilled US Navy SEALs, led by their brave captain in a shoot out rescue of the heroic American captain, and all set against an exotic high seas backdrop.

I am not making light of the situation, but merely observing and reflecting on the sensationalist reaction by the media to the story since the rescue news broke just a day ago. Since then, newspapers, websites, and of course TV news, talk shows, and gossip outlets have each had a field day with eye-catching headlines like HIGH SEAS RESCUE or AMERICAN HEROES. It's already like a Hollywood movie or a superhero comic book. So powerful was this seafaring tale that once the rescue news broke Sunday afternoon all the 'controversy' over Barack Obama bowing to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia got swept aside and instantly forgotten.

Hence, the question of whether or not there might be a movie made about this based-on-a-true-story, high seas pirate adventure is moot. Of course there will be a movie! At least one. Shoot, it's got every element you could ask for in an action-adventure blockbuster (complete with an built in happy ending -- it just needs a little love story thrown in for good meaure and even broader box-office appeal). It even has the President of the United States directly involved. Can't you just envision the Situation Room scene in the movie with the actor playing Obama overseeing the nail-biting proceedings?

 
I'll never forget the first time I witnessed the awesome spectacle of George Michael's "Too Funky" video. I was already borderline obsessed with fashion in the mid-1990's and thought highly of Michael's supermodel-laden "Freedom 90" video, but the visual candy of "Too Funky" as designed, styled and directed by then notorious fashion designer Thierry Mugler made the voyeuristic appeal and "freeing" acts of destruction that comprise the "Freedom 90" video seem trite by comparison. I don't care how precious and pretty Linda Evangelista looked as she lip synched inside her sweater, I'd rather see her (along with Christy Turlington, Tyra Banks, Eva Herzgovina and, my favorite, Nadja Auermann, to name a few) strutting her actual supermodel stuff on an actual catwalk, flaunting actual fashion while George Michael repeats, "everybody wants a lover like that," which is precisely what the "Too Funky" music video delivers, and in such a fabulous manner that it cannot possibly be copied -- sorry En Vogue.

So, how about that "Motorbike" dress? Pretty amazing isn't it? Certainly not for everyday wear, but a girl's gotta have options. I remember thinking this playful ensemble shocking, in a good way. Actually, after having just viewed the 'director's cut' of the "Too Funky" video, I got to thinking about what the definition of shocking was a little over ten years ago as far as the mainstream media is concerned. Of course, I got to thinking about everything Madonna: her "Lucky Star" midriff beginnings, her metal-bound Sex book, Erotica, the "Justify My Love" video and a particular scene from her Blonde Ambition tour documentary Madonna - Truth or Dare where Madge is informed by Canadian police that she'll be arrested if she touches herself suggestively during her performance of "Like A Virgin." With Madonna the list goes on and on, but if one were to judge her overall shock value by the percentage of the audience that sings along to her tune, counting both lovers and haters alike, I bet there wouldn't be any shocking findings at all, at any point in her career. Perhaps she really has done it all. And if that be the case, what in the world can be deemed shocking today? For my part, I'd like to submit Katsuhito Ishii's film Funky Forest: the First Contact (two disc DVD now out from Viz Media) for review, as it's the most shocking thing I've seen recently.

So far, I love all the Ishii films I've been able to lock my sights on: Sharkskin Man and the Peach Hip Girl, Party 7, Taste of Tea -- I love them so much I cannot pick a favorite; they're like candy. One of the main reasons I felt shock when I watched Funky Forest for the first time is that it fulfilled all my expectations while successfully deflating them at the same time. It's like when someone decides to give you a 'sexy' cake for your birthday. Of course you didn't expect to get a cake shaped like giant genitals, but you did expect cake and there is no question about whether or not you're gonna eat it. But is it tasty? Funky Forest is a tasty cake of a movie diguised as disjointed, patchwork quilt handstiched by your reclusive little Edie Beale looking, ex-showgirl aunt who happens to moonlight as a Chris Cunningham mutant who watches too much TV Carnage. Threads of several stories are woven loosely with only a few coinciding; however, belly laughs and nervous giggles abound as situations break off, start up and proceed to get weirder and weirder. It's unlike any of his previous films; it's certainly funky and totally fun.

Sweeney Todd is a villain who began as an urban legend sometime around 1800 and was, a few decades later, the protagonist of a penny dreadful called The People's Periodical, which was published in 1846. The issue was titled The String of Pearls: A Romance written by Thomas Prest, a popular writer who also wrote Varney the Vampire, which I've wanted to get a copy of ever since I was in third grade.

Another popular urban legend of Victorian London was that the unsuspecting victims ended up in meat pies.

There was no evidence of Sweeney Todd having been an actual character, nor that anyone turned up in the popular takeaway dish, but when the story was turned into a play in 1847 the advertising claimed that it was "founded in fact."







In 1936 the first sound film adaptation (following two silent versions) was produced in England. Most of the "ingredients" of subsequent adaptations are present here: a love interest named Johanna, a meat pie-making Mrs. Lovett and of course Todd, his mechanical barber's chair and straight razors. The film starred Tod Slaughter, an actor famous for his over-the-top performances as murderous maniacs. As this clip above illustrates, his acting has pretty "hammy."
 
The next cinematic adaptation was 1970's Bloodthirsty Butchers.
 
In 1973 playwright Christopher Bond wrote a play version wherein new twists were added to the play. In his version Sweeney Todd was motivated by revenge, not greed. A judge wrongfully imprisons Todd and rapes his wife, which leads to her committing suicide.