Amoeblog


(In which Job does the least he can do.)

Posted by Job O Brother, April 19, 2010 09:34pm | Post a Comment
I have a tummy ache. Do you think it’s the weather? The volcano? Or maybe that I decided to conclude my late lunch with a third of a pack of butterscotch chips?

candy

Even the word “butterscotch” is delicious to me. Having a crush on both butter and scotch helps. But take it from me: there’s more to making this delicious concoction than merely mixing butter and scotch together. I learned the hard way.

Well, that’s about it for now. Hope you found this blog entry both educational and entertaining. Bye!


…I’ve just been informed that the above paragraphs weren’t enough to qualify as proper Amoeblog entry. Apparently my editors think that, so long as they’re paying me to write a blog about media and art, that there should be more to an entry than a quick cautionary tale about mixing dairy and booze. I’d tell them to lump it, but I really need the money to buy butterscotch with.

Well, as a music addict, pretty much any subject can lead to tunery. For instance, after writing the word “butter” five times in this entry, I now have a song stuck in my head by 1980’s act Martika, perhaps more famous for not being Madonna than anything else. Most of us know her one-hit wonder single "Toy Soldiers," but the song that’s playing in the jukebox in my brain is…

Okay, before I tell you, let me explain: This is one of those songs it’s so easy to mis-hear. You know the type: a song who’s lyrics are obscured or sung in such a way that it allows you to sing the wrong words, sometimes for years. In the case of the following song, I always hear her singing about butter. And honestly, maybe because I’m not what you could call a Martika fan, I think this song is improved if you think she’s singing about butter.

“Like butter! How could I do without you?” the chorus goes.

So listen now, and imagine that that’s what it’s all about…


And now, because Martika always makes me think about Madonna, I can’t help but mention my tampering with her song "La Isla Bonita," a ditty I’ve always hated, except for the dumb thrill I get in singing along with it incorrectly. According to me, the opening line of the song is:

“Last night I dreamt of some bagels…”

This is followed not long after (as the sun rises in the video) by:

“Young girl with eyes like potatoes…”

Madonna doesn’t want me to post her videos on the Amoeblog. She’s held a grudge on me ever since I used her roite bindele to floss my teeth. DENTAL HYGIENE IS IMPORTANT, MRS. CICCONE! Anyway, you can still see the video by clicking on this rather wordy link I have constructed right here where you’re currently looking with your eyes.


L'Chaim!

I wonder – have I written enough yet? I feel like I’ve covered a lot of important territory, and I don’t want to overwhelm you with information. It’s important to know your threshold for new data.
[10 minutes later]

I just went to ask my boyfriend what I should blog about. First, he suggested I talk about flagellum.



Flagellum. Really. Well, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I’m willing to bet you want to hear about flagellum about as much as I know about it. Which is not at all. What an unhelpful boyfriend!

His second suggestion was that I post a photo of our new kitten, Maybe. I told him I didn’t think the Amoeblog was an appropriate venue for posting pictures of pets; that’s the sort of thing one does on Facebook so your boring friends get the chance to give you a “thumbs up” and feel like they’ve stayed in touch. But he got insistent!

“Post a picture of her and then add some songs about kitties!” he squealed. And for a moment, blogging about flagellum didn’t seem like such a bad idea, after all.

But because I love him and because this entry is kind of hackneyed anyway, here you go, Earthlings…

bombay kitten
This is Maybe. She looks cute but she laughs at racist jokes and leaves the toilet seat up. Just sayin'.

























I’m pretty sure all this qualifies me for a least enough paycheck to buy more butterscotch. Here’s hopin’.

Relevant Tags

Disney (30), Yoko Ono (21), Miss Kittin (1), Ragtime (4), Zez Confrey (1), Johnny Bond (1), Josef Marais (1), Janet Jackson (11), Facebook (8), Cats (28), Flagellum (1), Butter (1), Madonna (42), Martika (2), Booze (8), Amoeblog (3), Butterscotch (1), Candy (2), Phil Harris (1), Charley Patton (2), The Cure (38), Peggy Lee (3), Andrew Lloyd Webber (2)