Don’t believe the propaganda – December 25 is NOT the “most wonderful time of the year” – today is!
Walrus Day is celebrated all day, every year, on October 8. It’s fun, it’s easy, and no native tribes had to be persecuted in order to bring it about!
A little history: When I was a kid, October was my favorite month (autumn, Halloween, my birthday, the month my parents would visit me at the orphanage), eight was my favorite number (the implications of infinity, the balanced aesthetics of its shape, the date my parents were sued by the orphanage for conning them into admitting me), and walruses were my favorite animal (the Beatles song, their grace in the water and might on land, the animals that raised me after my parents left me with them on the ride away from the orphanage).
I took these three elements and created my very own holiday, and my friends and family have celebrated it ever since.
“But Job,” I hear you asking (I can hear you asking because I can hear your thoughts… even now as you read this… although it’s not that interesting because your thoughts right now are echoing this sentence you’re reading, so I’m basically listening to myself) “But Job,” you wonder, “How does one celebrate Walrus Day, and also, does this shirt make me look fat?”
Well, dear friend, celebrating Walrus Day is easy. Basically, it’s your excuse to do whatever it is that you’d like to do, but normally wouldn’t because you don’t have an excuse.
Common ways of celebrating are:
• Calling in sick to work (does not apply to Amoeba Music employees)
• Replacing healthy, well-balanced meals with your favorite dessert
• Spending money you shouldn’t on bric-a-brac that you want
• Taking yourself out to Amoeba Music and shopping outside the red-tag clearance section
• Anything that pampers, that delights, that titillates ye
I’ll be waking up early to fix Logan her dream breakfast: bacon-wrapped shrimp. For Carrie, I’ll be making a breakfast burrito and pancakes with homemade caramelized banana syrup. For myself, I over-spent on a bottle of absinthe.
No stressful gift-giving (unless you like that), no dreary, religious proceedings (again, unless that tickles you) and no bowls of gruel and being locked in the “little room” for sneezing during the midday spanking at the orphanage. Just a day where you treat yourself.
Carrie and I decided that, this year, our official song for Walrus Day is “Islands in the Stream”, recorded by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. (We’ve been drinking a lot of white wine.) But you can pick your own song.
I love hearing how people spend their Walrus Day. By all means, drop me a line and let me know!
And if any of you know where my parents are, let them know that I still believe they’ll return for me, someday. My Mom will place the missing half of my heart locket in place, and we will sing along with Dolly and Kenny, drunk – not only on the Green Fairy – but on the joy of life.
Happy Walrus Day, dear reader!
No stressful gift-giving (unless you like that), no dreary, religious proceedings (again, unless that tickles you) and no bowls of gruel and being locked in the “little room” for sneezing during the midday spanking at the orphanage. Just a day where you treat yourself.
Carrie and I decided that, this year, our official song for Walrus Day is “Islands in the Stream”, recorded by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. (We’ve been drinking a lot of white wine.) But you can pick your own song.
I love hearing how people spend their Walrus Day. By all means, drop me a line and let me know!
And if any of you know where my parents are, let them know that I still believe they’ll return for me, someday. My Mom will place the missing half of my heart locket in place, and we will sing along with Dolly and Kenny, drunk – not only on the Green Fairy – but on the joy of life.
Happy Walrus Day, dear reader!
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"From one lover to another uh huh".
I spent Walrus Day in a hotel room at the Gold Country Best Western with two families, Job. The Gibb brothers (the men, the legends, the literary geniuses behind Islands in the Stream), and your parents. IN DEEP PRAYER.
Needless to say, they are pissed. All of them. At you. Me, eh. I love me The Gambler and as for Dolly, people say she's just a pair of tits. But I say the proof's in the pudding. And by "pudding" I mean... you got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em.
I started a new job today, and had I read this earlier, I would have made spaghetti for breakfast...but I still have 5 hours left so I better get a move-on!