It’s been a minute since I’ve been to a metal club. Things are just different at metal clubs. Nobody dances, the ratio from men to women is severely slanted towards the men (although still better than at underground hip-hop shows) and I saw several grown men playing air guitar. Air guitar, Jesus…I can’t believe people do this, let alone in public! I see it sometimes at Amoeba when Iron Maiden or Metallica albums get played in the store. I watch the fingers start wiggling, the faces start grimacing and the arms go sliding up and down the neck the imaginary guitar. I usually cover my eyes in disbelief. I can understand a teenager doing it, but when you’re in your twenties, you might think of letting it go. If you are in your thirties and still doing it, seek professional help! Any older than thirty and still feel the need to rock the imaginary axe, you probably have worse problems, so rock on!

Maybe I have the problem. After all, Amoeba Hollywood is located oh-so very close to the Sunset Strip, the once home of 80’s hair metal. Maybe I should move to Ojai, where they had the insight to have a temporary ban on air guitar. Or maybe I should get with the program and join the US Air Guitar Championship. What song would I choose?

"Eruption?" Naw, too obvious.

Richard Thompson’s guitar solo on “The Border” would be cool. It’s a little obscure but I would need to find some air violin and air pan pipe players to accompany me. Dio-era Black Sabbath would be cool, but I would need circles and rings, dragons and kings.

Maybe I’ll just wait until they have the air deejaying contest...